How did this happen?

So, I have noticed something quite alarming lately. I need to hold small print farther away from my face in order to read it. I am getting old and suffering from garden-variety "old people" issues. How did this happen? To make things worse, I find myself wandering the aisles of the grocery store, unable to find what I'm looking for because I can't read the #$@%#$ signs over the aisles. What is up with that? How did this happen?

In light of these disturbing developments I went to the eye doctor today. I also mentioned how sometimes I see flashes of light in my periphreal vision. I was assured by the doctor I was not suffering from a detached retina, but instead, just "typical optical aging." Again I say, how did this happen?

So, I got new contacts today and I’m not so sure I like them. My new contacts are the extended ones you can sleep in for a month and only take them out once a week for cleaning. Nifty. My vision had gone from 20/30 to 20/40, so with the contacts in, I can really see a difference. Now I can count the pine trees on Pikes Peak from 15 miles away but can’t see to pluck the irritatingly persistent chin hairs that have also inexplicably sprouted. I listen to indy rock and watch teen dramas on television, people! I'm NOT that old.

Someone please tell my body this. Sigh.

I mean, really.