Gratefulness...

Lately, I've had a lot on my mind...my business was slowing down, my finances were swindling, I was feeling a bit overwhelmed...and then one day I decided to try to be grateful for what I had. At night, while drifting off to sleep, I would think of people who were having a hard time...a client whose daughter was having heart surgery...a friend whose mother was diagnosed with cancer, a friend who was unemployed and growing more and more worried..I tried sending them good karma. I tried to tell myself that everything would work out both for them and for me.

I've read "A New Earth." I've watched Oprah. I sat through "The Key." Some believe putting positive energy out into the universe will reap positive energy right back atcha. I don't believe I can "think" myself to winning the lottery or convince the universe that Hugh Laurie should leave his wife for me...but I did wonder if I tried to be more positive...would things turn around?

And guess what? After weeks and weeks of thinking good things for my friends, and after just a week or so of telling myself my business would pick up...someone called me for a web site. And I got the deal, signed, sealed and delivered, with 50% of the price up front. Wow! A paycheck! A few days later a client who has been VERY behind on paying me dropped a check in the mail. I began to wonder if this karma business was real. Perhaps just reminding yourself to be grateful really DOES work.

So I spend a few days without the monkey on my back, sighing with relief, feeling positive and happy...and then today a friend who is in town for a visit told me that his brother's baby girl was diagnosed with leukemia yesterday and they are cutting their trip short to go back home. She's 3 and a half. Then later today, another friend called to ask if she could borrow my laptop to look for a job...she got fired today.

Wow, good karma does not stick around long. So even though things are looking up for me, now I have more friends who are suffering. So...does karma really work? What did a toddler do to deserve leukemia? Just when a tiny piece of life seems to make sense and travels on a linear line, just when I think I might understand something, anything, about life on this earth...reality becomes the bully on the beach and kicks sand in my face.

I suppose all I can do tonight is to go to bed and start thinking positive thoughts for those people and hope that karma gets back on track.

One of the worst things about losing your faith in god is that you don't have anyone to blame any more. Shit just happens, doesn't it?